5 Ways Valentine’s Day Is the Literal Worst

Once January rolls around and the New Year’s hangover wears off everyone – both single, in relationships, and everyone somewhere in between – finds themselves all consumed by one thing: Valentine’s day.

St. Valentine is arguably the worst thing to happen to dating. Regardless of the historical narrative you believe to be cause of this holiday, you cannot deny that in recent history Valentine’s day reaps disaster on both those happily coupled and those who are otherwise happily alone.

This sappy holiday is anything but whimsical, but is in fact stressful and depressing. It's easily one of the worst things about relationships. And I’ll tell you why Valentine’s day sucks harder than all the hookers who will be collectively hired by lonely male population on February 14th.

  1. Chocolate is Expensive

    This is a true tragedy. It would be one thing if the gigantic heart-shaped boxes were the only thing to go up in price. However, it seems that all chocolate – and even most candy – goes up in price.

    I think Valentine’s day could very well be the candy community taking advantage of our emotions by profiting off both love and crippling loneliness… How is this fair to all the single people out there who need to drown their single-sorrows in chocolate?

    Well, At least liquor doesn’t go up in price.

  2. It’s a painful reminder that you’re alone

    If you’re single, then you are made very aware of your relationship status on Valentine’s day. This is the day where everything will remind you of your most recent ex, you will suddenly find yourself planning your wedding, you may even find yourself wrapped around your body pillow sobbing as couples around the world celebrate their undying love.

    I suggest not leaving the house if you don’t want to find yourself surrounded by happy, pink clad, couples. Unless you’re planning on bravely celebrating your single-hood along with a few girl friends or bros, I suggest you stay indoors.

    Being alone out there can be rough. You’re forced to weave through couples who refuse to release their clasped hands, despite how sweaty their palms must be from an entire day of hand holding. Any decent restaurant is packed, all ice cream parlors are full of couples sharing a cone, and movies are promised to be sold out.

    Single people, stay home. Or go out with a group of friends and hunt for another group of friends who are just as single and hungry for a hookup as you are.

    But, hey. The joke is on those couples who will probably break up once relationship season comes to a close in May. Am I right?

  3. The Pressure to Impress is Immense

    Some may argue that Valentine’s Day doesn’t nearly suck as bad for the single as it does the taken. While single people drown their sorrows in alcohol, one night stands, and February 15th discounted chocolate, those in a relationship have work to do.

    You can’t get away with buying a box of Chocolate for your lover, oh no. The bar is set infinitely high for you my coupled friends. You better have started planning several months ago for how you’re going to surprise your lover. If you don’t have an elaborate display of affection planned for Valentine’s this year, consider yourself single.

    There is so much pressure to impress your partner on this holiday, it rivals birthdays and Christmas. It's not so much as a celebration of love but more of the both of you fufilling an obligation.

    Men are scrambling to find the perfect combination of gifts – yes! Not one, but several – for their lovers, while calling for last minute reservations. All the while women are trying to figure out what the hell to buy for their boyfriends or husbands, because honestly what do you even buy men? Especially straight men? Oh and god forbid it’s your first Valentine’s day. Do you plan something elaborate? Or is that too much? Or what if you do too little and you’re left with a very angry partner/spouse?

    I mean you’re pretty much guaranteed to have sex on the evening of Valentine’s day, which sounds great right? Wrong. The expectations for the quality of your sex go through the roof. It’s not enough to have normal sex on Valentine’s day. You have to do something special and different.

    So instead of focusing on the feeling, people are spending too much time stretching to get into some weird Kama Sutra position or squeezing into bright red lingerie.

    Like I said before, there is just too much pressure.

  4. It’s an Excuse to Premier 50 Shades Movies

    These movies shouldn’t even really be called movies. We should really start calling them what they are: extremely high-budget softcore porn.

    Across the nation, countless men and women semi-willingly see this movie alongside of their partners only to get uncomfortably aroused in a room of 100+ people.

    If you ask anyone who actually does kinky things, they’ll tell you how unrealistic - and flat out wrong - the books and movies actually are. Kinky stuff doesn’t usually involve legally binding contracts and safe words are never ignored.

    So if you do go see this garbage fire of a movie, maybe google how to use those clamp-things you got off of Amazon before you rip a nipple off.

  5. Valentine’s Day isn’t Actually About Love

    The most tragic reason why this day sucks is because it’s 100% false advertising. This day usually ends up being more about theatrics than actual love.

    Valentine’s turns into this weird pissing contest to prove who loves their partner more by buying a bunch of pointless shit – and bragging about what you’ve done on social media. When you see what other people do for each other you’ll either feel better about yourself because you made a more grand demonstration of your love or like shit because you didn’t drop a metric fuck ton of money on your lover.

    With the single people, Valentine’s becomes this equally strange contest to be the most happiest single and lonely person. Amongst all the coupley pictures, your feed is bound to be flooded by your single friends hashtagging #SingleAwarenessDay.