It's what? 8 AM and you've come to from your drunken slumber. You look around and immediately realize that this is definitely not your bedroom. You look over at the - hopefully - cute guy asleep in bed next to you. Another successful(?) night out; hopefully it was one to remember - and not one to forget. As you silently criticize this guy's chosen room décor, or complete lack thereof, you know in the back of your head that you're going to have to leave, and probably soon. You're eventually going to have to crawl out of bed and face the world, which is hard enough without coming fresh from an alcohol-fueled adult sleepover. You can't hide in this guy's bed all day. Come on girl, you gotta get up.
You're going to have to do the dreaded Walk of Shame. But let's be honest here, what's so shameful about it? You went out last night, had a little fun, met a cute guy, got some, and now you're going to walk home. People should be congratulating you! I think we all can agree that we'd all love a world where people reacted to the Walk of Shame like they did in Amber Rose's recent Funny-or-Die video. It really should be the called the Walk of Fame or the Post-Sex Strut. But unfortunately, that's not how society works… yet. Don't worry. I've compiled a short list of ways to take the shame out of your journey home.
I have no doubt that your hair looked nothing less than fantastic last night. You were rocking that ridiculously intricate beauty guru braid or those heatless curls. But that entire bottle of hairspray you emptied into your hair is probably coming back to bite you right about now. Bed head and copious amounts of hair product don't usually turn out too well. Sure, that Big Sexy Hair was holding your updo together last night, but now it's what's keeping your hair sticking straight out from your head.
Start scoping his bathroom for a comb or a brush and detangle that mess. Hopefully, you went home with someone borderline metrosexual. If they have hair products use them, it's better to smell like a dude for a little while than to walk home with a birds nest on top of your head. Figure out a 10 second hairstyle and you're golden. If all else fails work through your hair with your fingers with a little bit of water - even olive oil if you can find it - might help your endeavors.
You might have some serious dragon breath, especially after a night of drinking. Plus, your mouth may have been in some special places last night. I find that a clean mouth is a crucial step to feeling fresh, especially if you might feel a hangover coming on (mint helps with nausea!).
Look around for some toothpaste. Any normal human being will have some in their bathroom. If not that's a giant red flag if I've ever seen one. If you can't find toothpaste and he's a disgusting gutter mouthed monster that doesn't brush his teeth it's in your best interest to make sure that that hook-up is, and stays, a onetime thing. Anyway, find some toothpaste and scrub around your teeth and tongue with a finger. If you find mouthwash, go for it. The cleaner the better.
You may be feeling a little sticky all over. Bars tend to be hot and crowded and dancing takes a lot of work! It's more than likely you worked up a sweat before you even took it back to his place and got some more cardio in.
Look around for a washcloth or towel. Get the end wet and give yourself a little sponge bath if you can. Get those pits. I recommend stealing some deodorant if you don't feel too grossed out by the prospect. Again, smelling like Old Spice for a little while isn't the worst thing in the world!
Okay, so let's talk about your make-up and how half of it's on his pillow and the other half is down your face. Every beauty blogger would probably slam you for sleeping in your mascara but who's got time to stumble around buzzed after adult activities when you could be asleep? Or better yet going for round two? I'll spare you the lecture and congratulate you on your sexual prowess.
But, there's nothing worse than being mistaken for a raccoon on your way home.; like those heels, they should only come out at night. If you're not carrying your entire skin care routine in your purse, then you're going to have to improvise. Lotion will remove a whole lot of makeup. If you can hunt down a bottle, dab some on a tissue and wipe around your eyes. Be careful not to get it in your eyes, that shit burns. If you can't find any olive oil works too.
Now that you're cleaned up to a certain degree it's time to hunt down all your stuff. The essentials are always keys, wallet, phone. If those are the only things you can hunt down, it's not ideal but it's good enough. However, try to gather all of your articles of clothing including your panties. God forbid you leave those behind. You and I both know how much that Victoria's Secret thong cost. They're not worth losing, plus you don't want to give this guy a trophy.
I mean if you really want to you can pull the cheeky move of leaving something behind that you can bare to lose as an excuse to see this guy again. Just know that whatever you leave is probably lost to the void of this guy's room. Prepare to never see it again, even if you end up seeing him more often.
You've got a couple of options here. You can sneak out completely unnoticed if you haven't already woken him up, and that can be it! You might never have to see him again! Its hard to escape bad dates, much less sneak out undetected in the morning; you've got a challenge ahead of you girl. Or if he's awake and you're looking to make a quick escape because it was really that bad, running errands or feeding your dog (whether it's real or not) are usually pretty decent excuses.
The smoothest move you can pull is to leave a note while he's still asleep or groggy. Find a post-it or sheet of paper and a pen. Write something cheeky like "thanks for the sex" and leave your number. Leave it on his computer or wedged in the corner of his mirror, somewhere he's guaranteed to see it, before slipping out.
This is the most important step. You've got to roll your shoulders back and runway walk all the way home. Of course, people are going to see you and know exactly what you were up to last night. People are going to judge and maybe even say something rude. Prepare some witty comebacks for "Did you have a rough night?" like "Of course, just how I like it!”.
But no matter what anyone has to say or think you had fun last night. Who cares? Be nice and to other Walk of Shame-ers, you might run into on your way home. Maybe bond over experiences? Make a friend? Let's be honest, your walk should be the walk of no-shame, after all you got laid last night! Let me be the first to say, congrats on the sex!