It's probably, what, somewhere between 12 and 2 a.m. and you're probably a little drunk. All of your friends are either asleep by now, at home with their significant other, or hailing a taxi with their next sexual conquest. And then there's you: sitting alone at the bar or house party. You're experiencing the worst kind of anxiety: sexual FOMO.
You're recently single and scrolling through your phone trying to find an acceptable candidate for a booty call, because sexting a stranger on Tinder just wont cut it right now. And that's when it happens. You stumble across their contact in your phone. Before you know what you're doing you're typing out some variation of "I miss you, I need to see you," which is essentially code for "I'm horny, couldn't find anyone better at the bar, and I miss that one thing you do in bed. Let's bang".
But You hesitate to send that message. You need a little nudge to do it. Well if you ever find yourself in this situation or are currently struggling to hit that little button I've got you covered with this list of reasons you should totally hook up with your ex.
Don't you miss the security of being in a relationship? Sure, you may hardly have feelings for them anymore, but at least you have a designated fuck buddy. I mean, yeah you hate their friends, and they hate yours, but at least you had eachother…
Then again you didn't like each other very much either. You hardly spoke about anything of substance; God forbid you talked about your feelings, but you sure did bang a lot. You always thought that there might be someone out there that really got you, ya know? But sex without emotion is better than no sex right?
Who doesn't like a good ol', painful, long and drawn out break up? I mean what's the good of breaking up if it's relatively clean and civil? Of course, you need to complicate things by having sex again or even a couple times. Hell, why not go out for coffee only to have one of you think you're getting back together and the other completely flake out?
Clean breakups are boring. Where's the excitement? You should really sleep with other people too, just to make things more complicated. I know that you both said that you could be friends in the near future but who wants that? Ruin the chance of ever being able to stand one another. And while you're at it why not destroy a friendship too by sleeping with their good friend, Becky?
Don't you miss the adrenaline rush of a good screaming fight? Is it not like you ever get the chance to loose your shit and throw household objects at your friends? Why give that part of your life up after agreeing to go your separate ways? Hook up with your ex, and you're bound to reconnect with all that pent up anger deep inside of you
Common, taking out your anger on someone is freeing. Don't you want to let go of all that anxiety and stress, and what better way than getting into a fight after a breakup! I know you broke up because you both had way too much fun fighting in the first place but why not experience that release of restraint again? It'll be nostalgic for both of you!
It's tough to get back out there after a particularly lengthy relationship. The hardest part is remastering the art of flirting. It's hard to go back out there and regain the confidence to flirt. After having a boyfriend or girlfriend, it's hard to remember just how you wooed them in the first place. And some of us just aren't born with the gift of gab, making this especially difficult.
So why face the inconvenience of getting back out there when you can just shoot a text to someone you've already managed to impress? This way you don't have to worry about being clever or witty in the least bit! They've already slept with you, so they know exactly what they're getting into, and exactly how disappointed they'll be after it's all over. Why work harder when you can just work smarter?
God, don't you just miss those little things about your ex? Like the way that they smiled crooked or their bubbly laugh or their clinical narcissism? Don't you just miss how they used to hold you at night and how they never put the toilet seat down? I there's just something about how perfectly imperfect your ex-was right?
It's impossible to find someone who's just as eclectic and unfaithful as them. You shouldn't let those little quirks dissuade you from rekindling that sexual spark.
Speaking of burn… Why wouldn't you want to hook up with that filthy ex of yours, especially if neither of you has condoms? I mean why not live your life on the edge right? There are few things that can compare to the thrill of unprotected sex with your harlot of an ex. Will you get herpes or crabs or walk away without even a blister?! Only time will tell.
Up until tonight you've probably been doing pretty okay with the whole break up situation right? You're probably a little drunk and having a moment of emotional or sexual weakness. I mean why stop here? Everyone could use a little shake-up when it comes to their emotional stability right? Why not have a little fun and throw your personal life into a proverbial volcano?!
I mean common, don't you hate being content being single? Why would you want that? I'm sure you miss all the days of anxiety and anger and depression that came with being in a shitty relationship with this person. Inject a little excitement into your dull life with the emotional turmoil that comes with sleeping with someone and revisiting old feelings!
Why leave your pain-loving tendencies in the bedroom when you can emotionally suffer!? Why stop with a little S&M when you can get emotionally flogged on the daily by your ex? I'm sure that if you were the dumpee that you'd love to revisit all that pain and suffering.
And if you were the dumper in this situation, why not cause a little emotional pain in your ex-partner. Taking control in the bedroom is fun, the same can be said about playing with someone's head. So bang your ex and let the mind games begin!
What better excuse for a little break-up sex than a global plague? If you're the last people on earth it's only your duty to procreate right? And what are they going to do, turn you down? Just because you cheated on them or because they cheated on you or because you never showed emotional vulnerability or whatever other petty thing that ended your relationship?! No, they're going to do their duty to humanity and get it on.
If you weren't convinced that hooking up with your ex is a good idea, I'm sure you are now! Have fun with your ex and all the inevitable aftermath! But not too much fun, you wouldn't want to too attatched… After all, they are your ex.