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Things to Never Say on Dates [ part 2 ]

First dates can be pretty nerve-wracking, especially if you're meeting someone you met online on a dating app. Saying the right thing is important to make sure you get a second date or even a third! Everyone knows that you shouldn't talk about religion or politics on dates, those are terrible first date topics, but there are definitely a couple more things you shouldn't touch on. Additionally, there are some things you should never do if you want to keep seeing this person. To get you a second date, I made you a list of stuff you should never ever say on a first date - or any date for that matter.

  1. Hi, oh thank god. You look like your pictures; I thought you'd be fat!

    Holy, backhanded compliment, Batman!!

    What a way to kick off a date. Even if you thought their pictures were a little unflattering or too good to be true, you don't have to say it.

    Keep that thought to yourself, because now your date is feeling even more self-conscious than they probably were to begin with.

  2. You look nervous, don't worry I'm not gonna kidnap you or anything.

    Guess who's thinking about getting kidnapped now?

    At this point, your date is probably checking their exits and trying to remember if they told anyone where they are. They're probably thinking about sending an S.O.S. text to their best friend right about now or are already making panic eyes at coffee house staff.

    You've just earned yourself a thousand creepy points. Congrats.

  3. You seem great, but what's wrong with you?

    Again with the backhanded compliments, dear god.

    Your date is probably wondering what about their personality will cause you to pull a Jerry Seinfeld, and never talk to them again.

    What's wrong with them you ask? Perhaps a couple of things because they're, ya know, human? But just like you, they're hoping you see their flaws as endearing quirks that you can overlook.

    Asking this is basically the equivalent of asking the despised 'what's your greatest weakness' question at a job interview.

  4. I just think monogamy is a little unrealistic, don't you?

    Regardless if you're a firm believer in open relationships, this is not the thing to bring up on a first date; Especially, if you want a second or are hoping to get lucky later.

    You just made yourself look like a total commitment-phobic serial dater.

    Maybe try to get to the define-the-relationship stage to even bring up your thoughts on monogamy.

  5. Oh no that wasn't my foot, I farted.

    Why would you even cop to letting a fart slip on a first date?

    If you really need to rip ass, excuse yourself to the bathroom. It's only polite to save their nostrils.

    Besides, farting in front of your S.O. is a milestone ment to be met much further into an established relationship.

  6. I just hate when gays flaunt their sexuality in public.

    Oh cool, now you're a homophobe. Awesome. Everyone loves intolerance.

    This probably falls under the umbrella of politics. But political beliefs aside, saying this just makes you an asshole.

  7. I saw you in my dreams like a month ago. Yeah, before we even met. Must be fate, huh?

    As romantic as this sounded in your head, it's really not. It's creepy and makes you a psychic, or crazy, or both.

    Probably both.

  8. Hold on… sorry, I just need to text back. Go on; I swear I'm listening.

    NO. Just no. You should be focusing on the person in front of you, not whoever's texting you.

    If you're texting, odds are you aren't paying attention to anything else. I mean, isn't that why texting and driving is illegal? Texting while on a date should be a violation of some law as well. Well, it's certainly a breach of politeness.

    Unless someone is dying, you shouldn't be on your phone.

  9. So, how many people have you slept with?

    To be honest, this is none of your business.

    You might be able to ask this question later on in a relationship, but otherwise, it's outright rude. People asking this question are mainly trying to gauge how much of a slut this person is based on their own definition promiscuity.

    The only question similar to this you should be asking is if they've been tested recently. And that's assuming you're already back at their place getting hot and heavy.

  10. I think I'm falling in love with you

    Oh well nothing says clingy psychopath like professing your love on the first date.

    Even if you feel like you could potentially fall in love with them in the future, keep it to yourself.

  11. Hey, my ex is over there. Act like I said something hilarious. Ok, go.

    Great, you're not over your ex too!

    Even if an old flame makes a special appearance during your first date, try to ignore it. If you can't bear it maybe suggest going for a walk or getting dessert elsewhere to ease the awkwardness.

  12. I think R. Kelly is just misunderstood.

    Do I really need to explain why you should say something like this?

  13. You'd be way cuter if you…

    What kind of person even thinks it's okay to go there?

    You get extra scumbag points if you point out that you don't like something that they can't change, like the shape of their nose or their tattoos.

    If they have a particular piercing or tattoo, it's because they like it, and it makes them feel attractive. If you're not too fond of some of their facial features guess what? you don't have to date them!

    You have no business commenting on something like that.

  14. Don't mind me; I'm just live-tweeting this date.

    Firstly, I already told you to put your phone away.

    Secondly, if you're pulling stuff like this it might be more interesting to live tweet this date from their perspective.

    I don't care if your an aspiring internet personality, you shouldn't be on your phone. Like I said before, it's just plain rude. And odds are no one cares.

    If you really need to document this experience, write in your diary after the date is over.

  15. Do you see that really hot fit girl/guy? Why don't you try harder like them?

    Well, why don't you ask that girl out then?!

  16. I'm not racist I just really don't like [insert any race/nationality other than white here]

    Neat, you're a racist. That's not a deal breaker or anything.

    Keep your prejudices to yourself, or better yet work on getting rid of them.

    Don't get stuck in the 1800's.

  17. I think my boy/girlfriend is really going to like you.

    This one harkens back to the monogamy thing I mentioned earlier...

    Unless you were on Thrinder, some other polyamorous dating site, or they know you were explicitly looking for a third, don't drop this kind of bomb on anyone.

    Why are you even on this date at all? To cheat?

    There are plenty of people who are polyamorous or want to have group sex in the world. Try going on a date with one of them.

  18. I have a third nipple! Wanna see?

    Maybe save this one for after you've been naked around each other, a couple of times. Or better yet, let them discover your extra nipple - or toe or whatever - themselves.

    Let it be a surprise!

    And please don't try not to get naked in public to show them your bodily abnormalities.

  19. Yeah, I'm going to prison in about six weeks…

    Um, it's probably best to keep your details about your impending incarceration to yourself. Or better yet there are sites that connect you to people willing to be your pen pal while you're in the slammer.

    No, I'm serious. There are sites that'll straight up help you find you a prison buddy.

    See, told you.

  20. (Doesn't say anything and just stares and breathes heavily.)

    Just a tip: it's usually best to actually say something on a first date.

    I dunno, just something you might want to take into consideration.

  21. I noticed you have pets, but I really don't like animals, so if we get serious you'll have to give them away. Hope you don't mind, it'll be worth it.

    Oh woah. No. NOooOoOoOo. How dare you? How DARE YOU?!

    You are not allowed to make someone choose between their faithful, furry friend on the first date. Or any date for that matter. Especially if you just don't like animals.

    What kind of sociopath doesn't like animals?!

  22. Nah, we don't have to tip.

    There is nothing worse than a cheap date. There's a difference between stingey and frugal, and not tipping falls on the stingy side.

    Plus it's impolite. You could easily end up in hell for not tipping, or worse being rude to the waitstaff.

    Being rude toward resturant staff is incredibly unattractive and makes you a really bad person.

    Like scum of the earth bad.

  23. Oh darn. Gee, I forgot my wallet.

    Oh common. Really?

    If you're going to