Lesbian Dating: How to be the Ultimate Lesbian Lady Killer (15 steps)

Navigating the dating world is hard enough for anyone. But lesbians are presenting with a unique set of challenges. For instance, how can you tell if a girl is hitting on you or just trying to be your friend? How can you tell if she's gay in the first place? Is she in a gay bar because she's with her gay BFF or is she there for the same reasons you are?

Being a lesbian is hard. Being a lady-killing lesbian is even harder. Whether you're a baby lesbian who's freshly tumbled out of the closet or if you're a recently single girl looking to get her groove back, you've come to the right place.

Here is the ultimate guide to lesbian dating. These 15 tips cover everything from casual dating to when you're approaching ultimate relationship goals. Read on to find out how you can become a lesbian dating pro:

  1. Online dating is your friend

    With lesbian bars closing at alarming rates and gay bars usually only having one night dedicated to lesbians, it seems like it's harder than ever to tell if a girl wants to be your friend or is hitting on you.

    If you don't live in a town with a thriving lesbian scene, go online! The best part about dating sites is that everyone usually clearly states what they're into to keep from wasting their time on people who are uninterested in them or what they're looking for. Thankfully, there are sites and apps completely dedicated to lesbian dating like Her! Using these apps is a sure-fire way to actually connecting with women who you're interested in and who are interested in you as more than a friend.

    Additionally, the internet is full of ways to connect with other lesbians and queer women. If you're looking for advice or community, there are plenty of Facebook groups dedicated to bringing gay women together. Find a group located near you to connect with the closest thriving queer community near you. Not only will you find like-minded women but you'll find some potential dating (or sexual) partners too!

  2. Work on your confidence - you'll need it

    When you're trying to get your flirt with other women, there is no rule as to who starts the conversation. There's (literally) no man in the relationship, so no one person is expected to start the conversation, buy the other a drink or send the first message. At times you're going to need to woman up and take control. And since a lot of lesbian dating happens via dating app, you're going to have to be somewhat comfortable with the nerve-wracking experience of going from talking online to real life. Yes, this can be scary, which is why building your confidence is key to success in the lesbian dating-sphere.

    You can do this in a number of ways, one of which is finding outfits that make you feel like your best self. Have a few power outfits that you designate as first date outfits and going out looks. Anytime you feel that you need a confidence boost, put one of these outfits on and you'll feel a whole lot better.

    Another way you can build your confidence is by practicing power poses and using them when you're out. High power poses (such as standing in a wide stance with your hands on your hips) actually boost hormones in your body that can make you feel more confident.

    Feeling more confident in a space will make you feel a little less nervous if you happen to meet someone. And feeling powerful might make you feel you can even make the first move!

  3. Find yourself a great wingwoman

    Dating is hard. But you don't have to go at it alone! Finding a good wing woman (or man) will dramatically increase your chances of getting past introductions with a girl.

    Having a wing woman is key especially if you're the shy type. Having someone priming a prospective suitor for you is a great way to circumnavigate making the first move because you're having someone do that for you! Pro tip: having a girlfriend fill this position is the optimal choice since a man would look really out of place at a lesbian bar.

    So find someone you trust, and that won't make moves of their own on the girl you're crushing on to be the Goose to your Maverick.

  4. Keep your nails short

    If you have ever actually had sex with a woman, or if for some reason you think lesbian porn is true to life - and I don't mean lesbianporn for women, I mean the shitty kind for men - you know that lesbians can't have long nails.

    Keeping your nails short at all times is the male equivalent of always carrying a condom (except that lesbians should carry condoms, but more on that later). No one likes to get stabbed in the vagina, so short nails are a must.

    Keepng your nails short is also another way women can tell if you're a lesbian or not. If you have longer nails, you might not find yourself getting hit on that much. However, if you want to give off unquestionably lesbian vibes, you should definitely keep your nails short.

    Another lesbian must is to carry a nail file or nail clippers at all times. Keep one in your purse if you carry one, if not you can buy tiny nail clippers that hook onto keys or wallets. The last thing you want is to meet a girl and realize you've let your nails grow out when you're about to close!

  5. Protected sex doesn't just apply to straight girls

    Carry condoms.

    No, I'm not being facetious. You should carry condoms. While lesbians are less likely to contract an STD, there is still a chance. Lesbian sex is often portrayed and thought of as low-risk. But you can still transmit herpes, HPV, or even an oral yeast infection through oral or digit-vaginal sex.

    Very few queer women practice safe sex via the use of dental dams. One reason is that no one knows what they are or really where to get them. Dental dams are meant to be spread over the vulva to provide a barrier between the genitals and mouth.

    Since you might find it unlikely that your average corner store sells dental dams… carrying condoms is a fantastic alternative. If you cut the elastic ring off a condom, cut the tip off, and slit it longways, you've made yourself a dental damn! I recommend using unlubricated condoms or condoms that don't have a strong latex taste (like Lovability condoms).

    If you want to practice safer lesbian sex buy a box of tampons and some scissors!

  6. Never limit yourself to a "type"

    Limiting yourself to a type is a terrible idea. Especially if you're a baby lesbian, you shouldn't limit yourself to one type of girl.

    Branching out and trying new things is important and you wouldn't want to purposefully miss out on that experience. Don't swear off a certain type of girl because of a previous experience or because you might not think you'd be into it - you might find yourself feeling a whole lot differently!

    And you seasoned lesbians out there shouldn't close yourself off either! Don't swear off girls who've recently come out for fear they're just testing the waters.

    You don't want to be the lesbian equivalent of that douchebag that only dates blondes.

  7. Don't date straight girls

    Not dating straight girls might seem obvious, but believe me, it's not. Gay girls have the disastrous habit of falling for their straight friends or for girls who are clearly just tourists in the lesbian domain.

    These girls - regardless of what they say their sexuality is - are going to break your heart. Any attempt at getting them to settle down with you is completely fruitless.

    Don't think that you're going to be the girl she'll come out for or settle down with, don't think you can convince her to play for the other team. If she's actually lesbian or bi she will eventually get to a place where she's comfortable with that and pursue a relationship - but don't be the girl waiting in the wings for this to happen. That's not fair to you.

    Stick to dating girls who are out and who aren't trying to figure out if the grass is truely greener on the other side of the Kinsey Scale.

  8. Don't date a fuc boi

    Before you say anything, no, this tip is not lost. This is not meant to be in an article on straight dating. It is 100% meant to be in this one. Why? Because you don't have to be a guy to be a fuc boi.

    Fuc bois come in all shapes, sizes, and different gender identities. As far as you should be concerned, if it acts like a fuc boi, then it is a fuc boi. If it looks and acts like Shane from The L Word then odds are it's a fuc boi. If the only thing preventing you from calling them a fuc boi is their gender identity, then it's a fuc boi.

    Sure, you can fuck a fuc boi (arguably that's the only thing they're good for), but you'd be making a terrible mistake to trust one to be remotely faithful toward you. There's a stereotype that women are more likely to stay faithful in a relationship - this stereotype certainly does not apply to fuc bois.

    So fuck a fuq boy if you want. Just don't trust them.

  9. Keep it creative

    If you really want a woman to fall head over heels for you, you need to make sure your date ideas are creative. Yes, getting coffee and talking is a cute first date idea, but it doesn't really scream "date" does it? For your first dates try to do something different and creative! Do something - like attending a painting and wine workshop - that's different and involves a fun activity but still, gives you and your date room to talk!

    Find yourself running out of ideas? Check out local events on Facebook or Eventbright. You can search by location, so regardless of where you are with your girl you'll be able to find a date!

    Don't get stuck in a rut with your date nights, doing the same thing will get very boring very quickly. Go back and forth between luxurious date nights and casual hangouts at home to keep things feeling fresh.

    Make sure to change it up from week to week. If you both have fallen into doing the same thing every single night you go out, try to change it up. Make sure to keep an ear to the ground as far as fun events that you and your lady might enjoy so that your date nights never grow stale.

  10. Rules regaruding the check

    It might be confusing when it comes to who should pay when you're dating a lady. You're already breaking traditional gender and relationship roles, so there's no archaic standard to abide by.

    Unfortunately, this might make it hard to decide who pays.

    The best rule of thumb here is to reach for the check if you invited her out (realistically this should be the standard for all couples regardless of gender). If she insists on paying, compromise by splitting the check, however, you should make sure that you both take turns paying as things get more serious. Everyone likes to be treated to dinner every once in a while.

  11. Be clear about your intentions

    Unlike trying to communicate with men, when you're dating women you're fortunately members of the same species. That being said, you should understand that communication is paramount with other women. Communication often gets muddled or misinterpreted when you're dating, so it's incredibly important when you're upfront about what you want.

    Make sure you tell a girl what you're looking for from that relationship very early on. If you want to hook up, make sure you tell them that. If you want to see other people, make that abundantly clear. If you want to be exclusive, let them know immediately!

    And it's okay to be confused about what you want, just make sure you're clear about that. Keeping lines of communication open is extremely important when you are dealing romantically or physically with other women.

    Girls tend to misread signals if they aren't loud and clear, so make sure that you're forward with exactly what you want and what your intentions are. Honesty is key and being straight-forward is a must, this way nothing gets lost in translation.

  12. Practice your active listening skills

    The is the other side of the coin when it comes to communiacation… you need to make sure you're being a good listener as well.

    Being an active listener will allow your partner always to feel heard. Feeling misunderstood leads to huge relationship issues that can do damage that is irreversible.

    When your lover is speaking to you, make sure you listen. Make sure you make eye contact, offer physical cues so that she understands you're tracking, and ask questions when she is unclear.

    Just like you wouldn't want your girl to misread signals, you need to try your hardest not to misread them. If you don't know what your partner is trying to say, ask her to rephrase or ask clarifying questions. The last thing you want to happen is for you misread a signal and cause emotional damage because you weren't listening.

  13. NEVER get with a friend's ex

    This should go without saying but… don't hook up with your friend's ex.

    Exes are completely off limits. I don't care if your friend insists that it's okay for you to get with them, I would not recommend doing that at all. You should sooner hookup with a cactus than getting with your friend's ex.

    Your friendships should be more sacred than the prospect of getting laid. If you think that you and your friend's ex are in some way meant to be, you're wrong. You don't have one soulmate in this world; there are plenty of people you are capable of having fantastic relationships with. Even if you think that your friend's ex is one of these people, it is not worth destroying a friendship.

    Not only will you ruin your friendship and cause a lot of emotional pain for everyone involved, but you'll also gain a reputation for being a lame friend and an even worse lover.

    Do yourself a favor and label friend's exes as untouchable. To be safe, label friend's of friend's exes as untouchable too!

  14. Don't run your mouth

    Women like to talk. Women are more verbal than men; it's a fact. On average, women say 13,000 more words than men do in one day. When your dating pool is comprised of mostly (or partially) of women, you know what that means… there is going to be a lot to talk about.

    You need to make sure you watch what you say - and more importantly, who you say it to - when you're dating in the lesbian scene.

    And don't forget that being "scum" isn't limited to men, women can be pretty scummy too. It's advised that you take into careful consideration who you tell your secrets to. And especially be careful of who you decide to vent to or use as a sounding board. They might tell other people that you were shit talking when in fact you were just trying to decompress.

    Make a mental list of a few close girlfriends who you know you can trust. If you ever find yourself oversharing to someone who is not on this list try to stop and ask yourself if you can really trust this person.

    Women are extremely likely to completely blacklist you if they think you're a loose-lipped lover - or worse a shady friend. And they will be sure to tell their friends to stay away from you. News travels fast in the lesbian community, don't let the news about you be negative.

  15. Don't throw a 6 month long pity party after your first big breakup

    Breakups suck. After a breakup, odds are you are going to be feeling pretty down - even if you were the dumper and not the dumpee. While a break up might feel like the end of the world, you cannot let it be the end.

    I don't think that you should pretend like your fine because you are entitled to feel your feelings! Allow yourself to feel all the complicated emotions that come with breaking up, but do not let yourself get stuck.

    Yes, breakups are miserable, and it will take time for you to recover, but you need to make sure that you do eventually pull yourself up. Don't get stuck in a rut that lasts more than a few weeks. While it may take longer than a month or so for you to re-download Her or step into a lesbian bar, you need to go on with your life.

    Do things. And no, laying in your bed and funneling Ben and Jerry's into your mouth does not count as "things".

    You will eventually get over her. It might take some time, but you are going to have to work at it. Yes, time helps heal wounds, but you need to practice some serious self-care as well. While going out with your friends or doing chores might not feel like self-care at the moment, think of it as a little tough slf-love.

    You will move on, and you will find someone else. Don't let your ex-take your entire life away from you.