Halloween Handbook: The 7 Guys You're Bound to Meet on Halloween

People watching is one of my all-time favorite hobbies. Know what makes for great people watching? A night where thousands of people dressed up in costumes, drunk, and wondering the streets of any given city. Great people watching is just another reason to love Halloween.

For me, guys are the funniest to people watch. It might be because I identify all too closely to the hoards of costumed girls struggling to keep from smudging their cat whiskers while binge-drinking and balancing in stilettos. Or it might be because guys are downright entertaining - and at times comically disappointing.

So while you're guzzling down spooky drink specials at your favorite bar, make sure you mentally check off how many of these kinds of guys you see while you're out!

  1. The Gorilla Suit

    For some reason, there is always that guy who thinks that dressing up in a Gorilla Suit, or any other ginormous costume, is a good idea. I wonder if they didn't realize they'd be sweaty under all their gorilla fur or that they wouldn't even be allowed to wear the head inside most bars.

    There is always a guy dressed as a giant banana too. I mean I could understand this clothing choice if they decided to pair off with a buddy in a primate suit, but other than that I just don't get it. I guess bananas are funny? I mean I suppose the costume gets funny after the stiff neck of the banana slowly wilts over the course of a night out, eventually drooping down over the poor banana guys face.

    Keep your eyes peeled for these dudes; there's bound to be a ton of them after the passing of our beloved Harambe.

    May he rest in peace…

  2. Magic Mike Himself

    On any other given night, this guy would be sweating it out during a three-hour gym session. But Halloween is reason enough to tear him away from his rigorous regimen. Why do you ask? Because it gives him a chance to show off all his hard work.

    This beefed up dude takes every opportunity to take a shirtless selfie so why would you think he'd even attempt to cover up on Halloween? Sure, Halloween might be the one night that girls get to dress however they want with little judgment, but guys are taking advantage of this president too!

    You'll catch this guy wearing very little, possibly less than all the lingerie-and-cat-ear clad women ogling at him. And who wears less than everyone's favorite Chippendale, Magic Mike?

    But some guys are more creative than slapping on a bowtie and calling it good. They've adopted the previously female tradition of dressing as a slutty version of anything. I've seen guys dressed as Sexy Cowboys, Sexy Thomas the Train Engines, and even Sexy Starbucks Baristas. That last one has to be my favorite, especially if they're using pumpkin spiced pickup lines to hit on girls.

  3. The Boyfriend Forced into a Couple's Costume

    This particular brand of guy is a personal favorite. Mostly because I sincerely pity this dude.

    Why is he dressed as Prince Charming in full on dance tights? Because his girlfriend wanted him to. Why is he dressed like a minion? Because he was forced against his will by his lady-minion girlfriend. Why does he look grumpy? Because he wanted to dress in matching gorilla and banana suits with his buddy but noOoOoOoooOOOo his girlfriend wanted to be Adam and Eve and now he's running around in - you guessed it - tights with a little leaf on the crotch.

    I'd hate to be this guy, but watching this dude suffer is pretty hilarious.

  4. The Dude Who's too Cool to Try

    For me, Seeing guys like this certainly puts a damper on people watching.

    You'll immediately recognize these kinds of guys by the fact that THEY'RE NOT WEARING A COSTUME. Either they didn't even bother to dress up, or they're obviously hardly trying.

    These guys are usually hipsters or bros who've decided they're too cool for a holiday but want to capitalize on all the cheap drinks and the girls who are just buzzed enough to think they're worth a one-night-stand. These are the terrible people who keep companies who make shirts that say "This is my costume" in business. This guy is the type to write "Student Loans" on a plain white T-Shirt and go around ruining everyone's fun by reminding them of their financial responsibilities.

    I think it's pretty lame that on a night where you're given the opportunity to dress up as anything you want, these guys choose to be their boring, pretentious selves.

  5. The Donald Trump Impersonator

    Guys find Donald Trump hilarious. I'd bet the national debt that you're bound to run into at least 30 bros dressed as the spray-tanned pres himself.

  6. The Asshole Who's Only Sick, Twisted Goal is to Scare Everyone at the Party

    I have one question for these people: WHY!?

    If I wanted to get the shit scared out of me, do you think I'd be at a party? Don't you think that if I wanted jump scares that I'd pay to run around a haunted house like everyone else? So why do you think it's okay to go to the store, buy a creepy clown mask, and scare people so badly that they spill their beer?

    Ugh, these people are the worst kind of people.

  7. The Creep Dressed in a Interactive Sexual Costume

    Okay, Maybe I spoke too soon… these are the worst kind of people.

    For some reason that's beyond me, guys think that dressing up like a giant penis or something equally as vulgar is attractive.

    There's a difference between a pun and what these dudes are doing. I appreciate a dirty pun just as much as the next girl. But what I can't deal with is guys who think their excessively vulgar costume is guaranteed to get them laid.

    So no. I don't want to blow into your breathalyzer that's conveniently placed over your crotch. I certainly don't want to spin your twister wheel that's entirely one color and place my hand on the one corresponding spot on your crotch. And no. I'm sorry Lonely Island impersonator, but there's no way I'm looking in that box that's -yes- stuck to your crotch unless you're actually Justin Timberlake.