It is often said that the moments just after sex is when a man is the most honest and purest form of himself. His sexual desire is no longer influencing every thought that comes across his mind or every word that comes out of his mouth; he is no longer trying to swoon the girl over or gain an edge, he has (hopefully) been satisfied and now his thoughts may wander innocently. To put it simply, you are probably thinking with your actual head, rather than your &other head,& for the first time that night.
But what about when you get up to leave and stutter for an answer when she asks, &where are you going?& Are you still this honest and pure form of yourself that you were only moments ago?
I say, "Who cares?" You have obviously made up your mind that you want to leave, and now the only thing stopping you is the girl you worked for all night to be in the very position you are now. You came, you saw, you conquered; now get the hell outta there before the cuddling begins and your manhood slowly shrivels away.
Whether it's 2 a.m. and things just finished up, or early the next morning and you've awoken in a panic and place of unfamiliarity, here are five excuses you can use to get away quickly:
You are your own man; you call the shots AND execute the plays. If you don't feel the need to come up with some elaborate story to leave after sex, then don't.
When the time has come, simply get out of bed, slide back into your clothes, say your very simple goodbye, then drop the mic and walk on out.
Not only will you look and feel like a badass, but you'll also create a sense of mystery and detachment within your recent hookup that her thoughts for the rest of the day will be consumed with the idea of you.
While I actually find myself in this predicament far too often after a night of drinking, it makes for a great getaway excuse. Everyone can relate to the panic and fear that washes over someone after realizing they've possibly lost their credit card, so use that to your advantage.
To get out of there even quicker and more urgently, mention that the bar charges a hefty gratuity if a card is left past a certain point and how you ain't got time for that. But be forewarned, this method of escape can often backfire and lead to spending more time together.
If she's feeling really comfortable with you, she may ask to come with and then suggest that you guys grab breakfast after. This could be a serious problem, seeing that you didn't actually leave your card at the bar. If bacon and eggs are now calling your name, I suggest you simply say, "No, thanks. You and I are done here," then proceed to leave and go grab that breakfast.
Breakfast or no breakfast, though, make it known that you and her are done once the clothes come back on and you have no intention of changing that.
During the school year, this is easily my go-to excuse for scrambling out of bed and making a quick exit. It works any weekend and with any girl, granted she isn't in any of your classes.
Whether it's 6 a.m. or 10 a.m., Saturday morning or Sunday morning, the easy excuse of, &I have a group project due Monday, and my group decided to meet early in the day to get it over with,& will work every time.
She can't be upset with you for prioritizing your schoolwork--or she’s a bitch--and you can even act disappointed that you have to leave.
This is probably the easiest excuse since almost every woman loves a working man and doesn't want to be at fault for you being late. If she already knows where you work, then simply say someone switched shifts with you and now you're stuck working the morning. If she doesn't know where you work, then keep your mouth shut and get out of there before she asks for the sake of your privacy and career.
If you don't actually have a job--which as a man, you should--then make sure to be as broad and discreet as possible. If asked where you work, refrain from naming a place she is familiar with. This could lead to her trying to surprise you at work or investigating further and finding out you don't work there in the first place.
And technically, in a man's mind, going home to eat breakfast and watch T.V. or to go back to sleep alone can be considered work, so you're theoretically not lying at all.
This is the perfect excuse to make you look like the saint you definitely aren't. From pounding beers and throwing back shots at the bar the night before to waking up early in order to volunteer at the homeless shelter, the girl you slept with is bound to think you are the perfect blend of man. Volunteering is statistically proven to be sexy.
The key to this escape is to seem rushed. It is vital that you set an alarm and have it go off, waking you in a panic and leaving no time for detailed explanations. Make sure not to toot your own horn and make yourself out to be some volunteering junky who does it every weekend; this could result in her wanting to tag along one time and ultimately blowing your cover.
But as long as you get away safely that morning and have zero plans of sleeping with her again, then who really cares?
One-night stands can be exhilarating, but also demoralizing. If your morals forbid you from post-sex cuddling, then make sure to keep these five excuses in your back pocket at all times. Whether you guys just finished and you need to get outta there for whatever reason, or it's early in the morning and your own bed is calling your name, these five excuses are there for you in your time of need. Just promise to use them wisely.